i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
