So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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