This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
