pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
