I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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