So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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