mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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