I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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