Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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