No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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