he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I am one with the molecules
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
