His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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