the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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