you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
