im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
not ubering you a puppy
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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