I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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