I showed him my bush... on skype.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
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