Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
