I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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