I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
