You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
