Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
