kristin has been a bad kristin
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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