Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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