I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
