These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
