the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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