Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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