when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
