you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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