My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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