In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
