Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
