When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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