I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
