I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
