My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
A bitchslap is in order.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
