i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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