Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
