I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
