I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
