I am puke
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
