Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just found puke in my bra..
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
