Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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