youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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