Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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