it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
