Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
