Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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