It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
