I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
