she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
