What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
